Baring My Soul

Life was not going the way I’d planned,
was out of my control.
My marriage was falling apart.
That’s not how it was supposed to be.
Get through high school, get a job.
Get married, have two point three
children, live happily ever after.
Not so much.

As a child I learned how to pray,
our father, ask and ye shall receive.
Anything in his name. So I asked.

On my knees I said, “Forgive me, for
I have forsaken you. I left my
childhood learning behind.”
Church was a religion trap where
they asked for your money, made you
feel guilty. Greed and selfishness
ruled my life.

On my knees I bared my soul. “Please
help me,” Anything in your name. With tears
on my cheeks I pleaded, “I am ready
to give it all up, please help me.”
But there was nothing. Not a voice, not a whisper,
not a feeling. Nothing.
I read, “God hardened Pharaohs heart.”
Was I Pharaoh? Was I chosen to not hear
the small, still voice of God?

Trying harder, giving, loving, worshiping.
On my knees I heard nothing, felt nothing.
There was nothing to feel. I got off my
knees and let my marriage fail.

That one line of scripture made me realize
if there is a God, I have not found him yet.
“God hardened Pharaohs heart.”

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